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Funny Vulgar and Dirty Jokes
Copyright © 2015 by Matilda Scully
All Rights Reserved
Any resemblance to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. In other words, if you feel that certain incidents described in this book are about you; they are not.
Do not allow your ego to overinflate. Turn around once in awhile. You may be standing by the clock. - Matilda Scully
Table of Contents
I’m sorry; there is no Table of Contents.
Amazon says it is good to have a Table of Contents. I have one in all of my other books, but a Table of Contents for this book would be as useless as a screen door on a submarine. There are no chapters. All of the jokes are numbered in numerical order. I guess I could have made something that would look like a Table of Contents, but it would never be used.
Or maybe I could have written some type of index programme like:
(12 + 144 + 20 + 3 * 4 ^ .5) / 7 + 5 * 11 == 9 ^ 2 + 0
A dozen, a gross, and a score, plus three times the square root of four, divided by 7, plus 5 times 11, is nine squared and not a bit more.
About the Author
G'day, my name is Matilda, but I prefer Tilly. I was born and raised in SE Queensland, Australia, but I now live on the Surf Coast in the State of Victoria. I am a photographer and a new writer. I really enjoy writing about erotic romance.
I’ve been writing about my erotic adventures for awhile, but I only showed them to a few close friends, or as we say down under, mates. They kept telling me to write a book so I decided to give it a go and I published my first book called, The Many Loves of Matilda. The book consisted of several short stories of my promiscuous behavior. Some of my sexcapades that I wrote about, in some people’s opinions, crossed the line to the point of violating society’s standards of decency. It was a fun book to write.
My first book did well, so I decided to write another. My second book was The Erotic Life of Matilda: Addicted to Sex. This book also did well and it boosted my confidence.
So, after discovering that I might have a little writing ability, and I emphasize little, I decided to write another book. My latest book is a novel called, My Nude Cruise: Fun In and Out of the Sun. The book has been out only a short time and it also is doing very well.
Just in case someone didn’t like my books, I always ended them with a little humour and shared a few of my favourite jokes. People then said that I should write a joke book. So, here we are with this book called, Funny Vulgar and Dirty Jokes. I hope you enjoy it.
1. Three blokes go to a ski lodge and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the bloke on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild and realistic dream that I was getting a hand job!" The bloke on the left wakes up and says, “I had the same dream too!” Then the bloke in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
2. A bloke arrives to pick up a girl for their first date. She's not ready yet, so he is forced to sit in the living room with her parents while he waits. He has a bad case of gas and needs to fart really badly. Luckily, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. The bloke thinks that he can let out a quiet fart and if the girl’s parents notice, they will blame it on the dog. After the bloke farts, the mother yelled, "Fluffy, get down from there." The bloke thinks, "Wow I got away with it. They think the dog did it." He then lets out another fart, and the mother again yells for fluffy to get down. After a few more farts the mother finally gets fed up and yells, "Dammit Fluffy, get down before he shits on you!"
3. A woman came home and found her husband in bed with another woman. With adrenalin flowing and fire in her eyes, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage.
After she pulled him into the garage, she put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly, removed the handle and picked up a hacksaw.
The terrified husband screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"
The wife, with revenge in her eyes said, "No, you are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
4. Two deaf people got married. During their first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom at night. When they turn off the lights they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife has an idea and she signs, "Honey why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea. Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis fifty times."
5. Bill took his blind date to the carnival. "Sue, what would you like to do first?" She replied, "I want to get weighed." They walked over to the weight guesser. He guessed 125 pounds. She got on the scale and it read 119 pounds and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Bill again asked Sue what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she replied. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Bill lost his dollar.
They walked around the carnival and again he asked her where she wanted to go next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Bill figured she was really weird and took her home early and dropped her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?"
Sue responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy." (You may have to think for a second...)
6. A bloke meets an older woman at a bar. She looked pretty good for a 55 year old. In fact, she was kind of cute. The found himself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. After they had a few beers, the woman asked the bloke if he ever had a family treat. The bloke asked, “What is that?" The woman replied, “It’s a mother and daughter threesome.”
The bloke started imagining how it would be and what the daughter might look like. The bloke answered, “No, but it sounds like something I would like very much.” After a few more beers the woman said, “This is your lucky night.” They went outside and flagged down a taxi and went to her place. When they went inside she turned on the lights and shouted upstairs “Mom, you still awake?”
7. An old lady was standing by the railing on a cruise ship and was holding her hat on tight, so that it wouldn't blow off in the wind. A man approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I don’t mean to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up and your crotch is showing?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But madam, you have to know that your privates are exposed!" The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
8. A bloke phones home from his office and says to his wife, “A mate here at work has a cabin on a lake and invited me for the weekend for some good fishing. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime, but I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.” The bloke rushes home to get his suitcase and fishing gear. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.
When the bloke comes home on Monday, his wife asks, “Did you have a good trip, dear?” The man replies, “Yes it did and the fishing was great, but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.” His wife smiled and said, “Oh, no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box.”
9. A man boards a plane with 6 kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replied, "No, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
10. A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"
11. A bloke was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do-it-yourself store. Get a can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel.” The bloke asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?” The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, “That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.” you hit her with the shovel.”
12. The man asks the girl if she’s afraid and she shakes her head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and she shivers; her body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be. He looks deeply within her eyes and tells her to trust him; he’s done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes her and she opens wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. She begins to plead and begs him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause her as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, she feels the tissue give way; pain surges throughout her body and she feels the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at her concerned and asks her if it’s too painful. Her eyes are filled with tears but she shakes her head and nods for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but she is now too numb to feel him within her. After a few moments, she feels something bursting within her and he pulls it out of her, she lies panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at her and smiling warmly, tells her, with a chuckle; that she has been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. She smiles and thanks the dentist. After all, it was her first time to have a tooth pulled.
13. A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” She answered, “I was stung by a bee!” He asked, “Where?” She answered, “Between the first and second hole.” He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
14. Woman: Can I get Viagra here?
Woman: Can I get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: If you give me two of them, you can.
15. A bloke goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The bloke replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?" The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
16. Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me, I’m going in.
17. A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex. He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that.
During her next appointment she tells the doctor, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table."
The doctor says, "Oh dear, I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." The lady replied, "That's very kind, but I don't think the restaurant will let us back in anyway."
18. A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
19. A bloke goes to the store to buy condoms. "Do you want a bag?" the cashier asks. "No," the bloke says, "She's not that ugly."
20. I was taking a shower with my new boyfriend Jack this afternoon and someone was knocking on our door. I told Jack that I would go see who it was. I put my robe on and went to the door.
I opened the door and a bloke said his name was Leon and he needed to see Jack. He said that he and Jack are mates. I told him that Jack was in the shower and I asked if he could come back later. Instead, Leon comes in and quietly says, "I have $400 in my pocket. I’ll give it to you if you’ll open your bathrobe for me." I was a little shocked and offended, but I really could use the money. I agreed and opened my robe and gave Leon a quick peek. Leon gave me the $400 and I closed my robe.
I opened the door and asked him to leave. Leon then said, "I have another $200 in my other pocket. I’ll give it to you if you let me touch your breasts." I was shocked, and I said, “What if Jack sees us?” He replied, “Let’s take a chance.” I couldn’t turn down another $200 so I undid my robe and let him have a quick feel. After he handed me the additional $200, I asked him to leave.
Leon then said, "I have another $200 in my pocket. I'll give it to you if I can rub my hand between your legs." Now I was getting greedy and said, "Okay, but this is it and you will have to leave." After a few seconds I pulled his hand away and pushed him out the door.
I took off my robe and returned to the shower with Jack and I felt a little guilty. Jack asked, “Who was that?” I answered, "Oh, that was a mate of yours named Leon."
"Leon? That was Leon?” he replied, “Yes, he said his name was Leon.” Jack replied, “That son of a bitch owes me $800."
21. A woman was always complaining about her breasts being too small. Being tired of hearing his wife complaining, the husband finally said, “Why don’t you try rubbing toilet paper between your tits. After awhile they might grow.” The woman replied, “That’s silly. Why would rubbing toilet paper between my tits make them bigger?”The husband replied as he looked at her backside, “It seems to be working with your ass.”
22. A blonde girl applied for a lifeguard job. When she went to the pool there were two other applicants and only one opening so they had a swim off. They had a four lap race and were told to do the breaststroke. The other two girls finished the four laps very fast and the blonde barely did one lap and lost the race. The blonde got mad and accused the other girls of cheating. When the instructor asked the blonde how did they cheat? She told the instructor, “They were cheating because they used their arms.”
23. A little girl went to the barbershop with her father. While the barber was cutting her father’s hair the little girl was standing next to the barber chair eating a muffin. The barber smiled at the little girl and said, "You’re going get hair on your muffin!" She replied, "I know and I’m going to get big tits too you dirty old bastard!"
24. A man and his wife were going on a cruise for their honeymoon. They packed their bags and got ready to go but forgot two things, condoms and Dramamine. The man had a terrible problem with motion sickness. They stopped at a pharmacy on the way to the ship. He put a huge pack of condoms and a large bottle of Dramamine on the counter. The pharmacist looks at him for a second and then asks, "If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?"
25. Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy. Jack got a shock, with a mouth full of cock, to find out Jill's real name was Randy.
26. A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It was a pretty good smash up and their cars were totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man and I am a woman. Isn’t that interesting?” She continued, “Wow, just look at our cars! There is nothing left, but fortunately we aren’t hurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our lives."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”
She then handed the bottle to the man and he nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to her. She takes the bottle and puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man then says, "Aren't you going to have any?"
The woman replied, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
27. A little while before closing time at the pub, a constable decided to sandbag the pub and wait for a drunk driver to arrest. As he was staking out the pub behind a tree across the street he saw a bloke stumble out of the bar and fall down in the car park. The constable said out loud to himself, “Wow that’s a good one and maybe he will get in a car and I’ll stop him before he hits someone.”
The bloke got up and staggered to a car and fumbled with his keys trying to unlock the door. The man got in the car, but didn’t start the engine. The constable thought, “Wow, I’ll just wait for him to drive away. He’s a good one.”
While he waited, several pub patrons began to leave and drive away. Some where a little unsteady on their feet, but he was going to wait for this big fish to fry. As he waited, more and more people left the bar and the man was still in the car. As soon as the lights in the pub went out and the car park was empty except the bloke he was watching, the car started and went down the street.
The constable yelled to himself, “Hot dang, I got a good one!” He then put his flashing roof lights on and pulled the bloke over. The constable asked the bloke to get out of the car and take a roadside sobriety test. The man walked a very straight line, and passed the touch your nose test. The constable was becoming frustrated and got the breathalyzer and asked the bloke to blow into it. The bloke’s result was 0.0.
The constable said to the man, “I saw you fall in the car park, fumble with your keys and now you appear to be perfectly sober. What’s happening here?”
The bloke replied, “It was my turn not to drink tonight. I am the designated decoy.”
28. This couple had been married for 50 years. While they sat at the breakfast table the old gentleman said, “Dear, you know this is our 50th wedding anniversary."
The old woman replied, "50 years ago today we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know and we were probably sitting here naked 50 years ago," the old gentleman said with a smile.
The old woman chuckled and said, "Well you wanna get naked again?" They both stood up and took their clothes off and sat down.
The old woman then said, "You know, honey, my nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
The old bloke replied, I’m not surprised, one is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.”
29. During a get together at a doctor’s convention, a male doctor noticed a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor noticed that the male doctor was noticing her. The male doctor then invited the female doctor to dinner.
After dinner, the male asked the female doctor if she wanted to go up to his hotel room. She replied, ‘Yes, but I wanna wash my hands first.'' After she finishes washing her hands, they had sex and after they are finished, she washed her hands again and while she was there she kept washing her hands every few minutes.
This was really starting to annoy the male doctor so he said; ''You must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.” The female doctor took offence and replied, ''Well, you must be an anesthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!''
30. The owner of an upscale bar was looking to hire a piano player to play during the cocktail hour. He had auditioned a few musicians without any success, and then one day a bloke walks in from off the street. The bar owner asks him if he plays, and he responded that not only does he play, but he writes his own songs too. Intrigued, the bar owner asked him to sit down at the piano and audition. The guy plays a very lovely melody and, quite impressed, the bar owner asked him what the name of the song is.
The bloke replies, “I call that one “Licking the Toilet Bowl after Debbie Does Her Business.”
The bar owner is stunned but asked the bloke if he has any other songs. The bloke then played a very pleasant song with a good beat that gets the bar owner tapping his feet and moving his head to the beat of the music. The bar owner asks the bloke what the name of that one is.
The bloke answered, “That was Bending the Gimp over the Radiator for Saturday Sodomy.” Before the bar owner could respond the bloke played another song that was really good.
“OK,” the bar owner says, “You might as well tell me the name of that one also.”
“That was, “I like Punching Your Fucking Ugly Face Until Your Nose Bleeds Snot,” replied the bloke.
The bar owner then said, “You are a good musician and I want to hire you, but under one condition. Please never tell anyone the name of your songs.”
The bloke agreed and showed up later that night for his first performance. He does really well and the audience loved him and they were clapping to the beat and tapping their feet. After an hour or so, the bloke stands up and announces he will be taking a short break but will be return shortly.
As he is walking towards the door, a customer at the bar stops him and says, “Hey buddy, do you know your fly is open and your dick is hanging out?”
The bloke’s eyes light up and he tells the man, “Know it? Hell, I wrote it!”
31. A pregnant woman got shot 3 times and recovered, but the doctor decided it would be too dangerous to remove the bullets. A few months later the woman had triplets. She had two girls and a boy.
Several years later, the first girl came crying to the mum and said that she had peed a bullet. The next day the other girl went to her mum crying and told her that she also had peed a bullet.
The next day the boy comes crying to his mum and says, "Mum please don’t be mad at me.” The mum replied, "I know honey you just peed a bullet. Your sisters did also, so don’t be upset.”
"No, that's not it" the boy said. "I was playing with myself, and I think I shot the dog."
32. A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are too large. She asks the doctor to please keep the operation a secret. She is embarrassed and doesn’t want anyone to find out about it.
The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three red roses placed in a vase beside her bed.
Furious, she immediately calls in the doctor and says, “I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!”
The doctor replied “Don’t worry, I didn’t tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this operation all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she has had the same operation done on herself.”
The woman then asked, “Who is the third rose from?”
The doctor says, “Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.”
33. While in an Italian restaurant I observed a blonde woman ordering a small pizza to go. The chef asked her if she would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. She thought about it for a few seconds before responding, "Just cut it into 4, I don't think I can eat 6 pieces.”
34. A man named John hired a teenage boy named Joey to mow his lawn. One day, Joey had to pee so he went inside John's house. John walked in on Joey and noticed how big Joey's penis was. John asked Joey how he got his penis that big. Joey said, “Every night before I sleep with a girl, I whack my dick on the bed post 3 times.” That night John decided to try this on his wife. John hit his dick on the bed post 3 times and his wife said “Joey, is that you?”
35. An impatient bloke was working in technical support at a 24/7 call centre. One day he got a call from a woman that asked what hours the call centre was open. The bloke told her, "We are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." The woman responded, "Is that Eastern Standard Time or Western Standard Time?" Wanting to get rid of her, the bloke said, "It's Eastern time." (You might have to think about this one for a second)
36. Two blokes are in a pub talking about their favourite sex positions. One bloke says "I like the rodeo position the best." The other bloke answers, "I don't think I have ever heard of that one. What is it?" The bloke says, "Well, it’s where you get your girlfriend down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and you whisper in her ear, "Ya know your tits are a lot firmer than your mums." You then try to hold on for 8 seconds.
37. A blonde and a brunette were walking on the beach one day when they saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a gold chain. The blonde woman said, "Wouldn't the chain rip her nose ring off every time she turned her head?" The brunette explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. The blonde responded, "No way."
38. An elderly man was unable to make his young trophy wife pregnant. So he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the cup was empty and the lid was on.
The doctor asked, "What was the problem?"
The elderly man answered, "I tried with my right hand and had no luck. So, I tried with my left hand and still no luck. My wife tried with her right hand and she had no luck. And with her left hand still no luck. She then tried her mouth and it didn't work. Then my wife's friend tried with her right hand, her left hand and then her mouth and nothing worked.”
The doctor then said, "Holy shit! You're telling me your wife let her friend try also?”
The elderly man replied, "Yes, and we still couldn't get the lid off the damn cup!"
39. The university just published a study about women. There were mixed reviews.
80% of women believe their ass has grown too big since they got married.
10% of women thought their ass is the same as it was when they were married.
The other 10% said they didn't care. They love their husband and said they would have married him anyway.
40. A blonde woman was speeding down the road when a blonde policewoman pulled her over.
Officer: Give me your licence.
Woman: What does it look like?
Officer: It's a rectangular thing with your picture on it.
The woman reaches in her purse and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens it up and says, “If I knew you were a police officer, I wouldn't have stopped you.”
41. A man and his wife were working in the yard. The man said to his wife, "Your ass is as wide as the grill." She ignored his remark.
A short time later the man gets a tape measure and measures his wife's ass while she was bending over in a flower bed. "Bloody hell, honey, your ass is as wide as the grill!" The wife again ignored his remark.
Later that night, while in bed, the husband started to get horny. The man rolled over and grabbed his wife and she calmly rolled away and said, "If you think I am going to fire up the grill for one little wiener, forget it!"
42. A man was sitting on his porch and saw the county road crew working across the road. One man with a shovel dug a hole and the other man with a shovel then filled the hole. This went on for hours and the men worked their way down the street digging holes and filling them in.
The man on the porch could not hold back his curiosity and walked over to the men with the shovels and said, “My tax dollars are paying your salaries. Why are you wasting my money?”
One of the workers replied, “Sorry Mack, it’s not our fault. Our civil service job description says that we are manual labourers. Our union says that we cannot work out of our classification.”
The curious man then said, “What the bloody hell are you doing? He digs the hole and he fills it up. Why?”
The worker responds, “The gardener that puts the trees in the hole called in sick today.”
43. A blonde woman was on vacation in Florida. She went in a shoe store that had a sign out front advertising alligator shoes. The prices were extremely high. After a failed attempt to get the store owner to lower the price, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a more reasonable price!"
The store owner replied, "Go right ahead and I wish you luck and I hope you catch a big one."
The angry blonde left and headed for the swamp and muttered to herself, "I'll get me some alligator shoes if it’s the last thing I do."
A few hours later, the store owner was driving home when he sees the blonde woman standing waist deep in the water holding a shotgun. He watches as a huge 10 foot alligator was swimming toward her.
The woman shoots and kills the alligator and with all her strength she manages to pull it out of the water. Nearby were several more of the dead alligators.
The store owner is amazed at what he sees until he sees what the blonde woman does next. She flipped the alligator on its back and screams, "Shit, this one isn't wearing shoes either!"
44. Some men are…
1. Some men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Some men are like Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Some men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Some men are like Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Some men are like Chocolate Bars. They are sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Some men are like Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
7. Some men are like Department Stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Some men are like Government Bonds. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Some men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Some men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Some men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Some men are like Lava Lamps. They are fun to look at, but not very bright
45. A couple just got married and on their wedding night the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I am still a virgin."
The husband was shocked and replied, "That's impossible. I am your fourth husband."
The wife answered, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, I really miss him!" (Another one that you might have to think about it)
46. A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. While they walked along the beach, the kid noticed that some of the women had bigger breasts than his mother had. He asked her why?
The mother answered, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Later on the little boy asked his mother, "How come some men have peepees bigger than daddies?"
The mother replied, "The bigger their peepees are, the dumber the men are."
Later on the little boy says to his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he is getting."
47. What is the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Answer. Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.
48. Four blokes are at their 25 year high school reunion. One of the blokes goes to the loo and the other three blokes start bragging about their sons.
Bloke 1 says, "My son owns a car dealership and just gave his best mate a Ferrari."
Bloke 2 says, "That's no big deal. My son owns a jet plane factory and just gave his best mate a private jet."
Bloke 3 says, "I can top that. My son is an architect and gave his best mate a mansion."
Bloke 4 returns from the loo and says, "What are you all talking about?""
Bloke 1 answers, "We're just bragging about how successful are sons are."
Bloke 4 says, "My son is a gay prostitute."
Bloke 2 answers, "Oh my, you must be terribly disappointed with him."
Bloke 4 replies, "Not at all. He is very good at what he does. In fact he is so good that he just got a Ferrari, a jet and a mansion from his three rich boyfriends."
49. A married man was having an affair with his secretary. While in the office one day their passion for each other was overwhelming. They decided to take the day off and go to her house. After having sex all afternoon they fell asleep and awoke around 9pm. After the man jumped out of bed and threw his clothes on, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. The man was her boss and she was afraid to ask him why? She complied and he put his shoes on and drove home. "Where have you been?" His wife yelled when he came through the door. "Honey I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until nine o'clock." The wife looked down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
50. A bloke’s sister asked him to take off her clothes. So he unbuttoned her shirt and took it off. Then she said, “Take off my skirt.” So he pulled her skirt off. “Take off my shoes.” He reached down and took off her shoes. “Now take off my bra and panties.” He then unsnapped her bra and pulled it off and then pulled her panties down. Then she looked at him and said, “I don’t want to catch you wearing my things ever again.”
51. A blonde woman is sitting at home alone when she hears a knock at the front door. She opens the door and there are two constables. She asks if there is a problem. One of the constables asks if she is married. The blonde woman replies, “Yes, I am.” The constable then asks if he could see a picture of her husband. She then shows them a picture of him. One of the constables says, “I’m sorry, madam, but it looks like your husband has been hit by a truck.” She replied, “I know, but he has a great personality and he has a good job.”
52. The first two weeks after moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer, an air-conditioning company, and an appliance repairman. The house was turning into a money pit.
He came home from work early one day and there was a plumber's truck in his driveway.
He then slowly pulled into the driveway and said, "Lord, when I go in my house, please let me catch my wife having an affair."
53. A blonde has a lifesaving tool in her car that's designed to break the window if the car goes into the water. She keeps it in the boot (Trunk).
54. A blonde had an accident and totaled her car. Luckily she wasn't hurt and managed to pry herself from the wreckage. When the constable arrived he said, "Holy crap, your car looks like an accordion that was hit by a train. Are you okay madam?" The blonde answered, "Yes, I'm just fine!" The constable said as he inspected the damage, "How in the world did this happen?" The blonde replied, "It was the oddest thing. I was driving along and this tree comes out of nowhere and pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree. I swerved to the left and there was another tree. I swerved to the right and there was another tree. I swerved to the left and there was...” The constable interrupted her and said, "Madam there isn't a tree on this road for 20 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
55. A young girl realised that hair was starting to grow between her legs. She got worried and told her mum. Her mum calmly said, “That part of your body where the hair is growing is called Monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” The girl proudly smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.” Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”
56. A sexy woman comes out of the bathroom adjusting her skirt and walks up to the bar and calls the bartender over. She starts running her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager.
The bartender replies, “Sorry, the manager is out. Can I help you?”
By this time the woman has run her fingers over his face and in his mouth and the horny bartender starts to gently suck on them. She says, “Are you sure he isn’t here?”
The bartender mumbles through her fingers, “Yes, he won't be back for a couple of hours. I guess I am in charge. Can I help you with something?”
The woman then says, “Oh, I only wanted to tell him there’s no toilet paper or soap in the ladies room!”
57. One day a boy asked his father, “Dad, what is between mum’s legs?” The father replied, “That is the door to heaven!”
The boy then asked his father, “Then what is between your legs?” The father answered, “The key to the door!”
The boy then said, “I think you should change the lock because our neighbour has a spare key.”
58. A bloke bought a new refrigerator for his house. To get rid the old one that still worked, he put it in his front yard with a sign saying, "This is free and it works good." For three days the refrigerator sat there and no one wanted it. He thought maybe people didn't believe him and thought a free working refrigerator was too good to be true. So he changed the sign to read, "Fridge for sale $50.” Before the day was over, someone stole it.
59. A tour bus driver is driving with a load of pensioners down the highway when he is tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts which he gratefully accepts and proceeds to eat. After a few minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. The little old lady repeats this gesture about three more times. When she is about to hand him another batch, he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?"
The little old lady replied, "We can't chew the peanuts because we have no teeth."The confused driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The little old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate coating!"
60. A woman was driving her convertible the other day and got sunburned. A blonde girl heard her telling someone how it happened. The blonde girl said, "How could you get sunburned? Wasn't the car moving?”
61. A bloke and his new girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said, “Wait a minute. I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door.”
The bloke says, “Well, give me some examples.” The girlfriend proceeds to tell him, “Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn’t for me.”
“The second way is if a man fumbles around and can’t seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn’t for me either.”
Then she said, “Honey, how do you unlock your door?”
The bloke answered, “Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock.”
62. A drunken bloke was showing his apartment to a couple of his mates late one night. In his bedroom there was a big brass gong.
One of his mates asked, “Why do you have a gong in your bedroom?”
The bloke replied, “It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock.”
Another mate said, “A talking clock? Are you kidding?”
The bloke replied, “I am not kidding. It’s a talking clock.
While closely examining it the mate asked, “How does it work?”
The bloke replied, “Watch this.” He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering wack and stepped back. The three stood there looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “Hey asshole it’s ten past four in the morning!”
63. A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "mypenis." The wife fell off the couch laughing because on the screen it said, "Error. Not long enough."
64. A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between boys and girls, and who is better. The little boy pulled his pants down and said, “Here’s something I have that you will never have.” The little girl got mad and ran home crying. A little while later the little girl came running back with a smile on her face. She pulled her pants down and said, “My mum says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
65. The village idiot goes into to a drug store and says to the pharmacist: "I have a hot date tonight and I need protection. How much does a pack of condoms cost?" The pharmacist replied, "A three pack of condoms is $3.99 with tax." "TACKS!" the village idiot yells and then says, "Oh my gosh, don’t they stay on by themselves?"
66. A newlywed couple didn’t know the difference between putty and Vaseline. A week after their marriage all their windows fell out. That was the least of their worries.
67. While shopping a bloke discovers a new brand of condoms called "Olympic". He buys a pack and shows them to his wife and says, "They have three colours, gold, silver and bronze." The wife then asked, "What colour are you going to wear tonight?" The bloke replies, "Gold of course." The wife said, "Why don’t you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change!"
68. The wife comes home from her doctor’s visit and says to her husband, "I have bad news. My gynecologist said that we can't have sex for three weeks." The husband replied, "And what did your dentist say?" (Another one you might have to think about for a second)
69. While at the beach, how can you tell which blokes use inflatable sex dolls? They don't stare at the girls; they stare at the beach balls.
70. Mothers have Mother’s Day and fathers have Father’s Day. What do single blokes have? Palm Sunday.
71. A lad went into a whorehouse and asked for an HIV infected prostitute. The madam sent him to room 12. The lad went to the room and screwed the prostitute. When he was leaving the madam asked the lad why he wanted a prostitute with HIV? .The lad replied, "When I go home I will screw the babysitter and then my dad will screw the babysitter. My dad will then screw my mum and then in the morning my mum will screw the milkman. That is the bastard that ran over my dog!”
72. A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 20 minutes the man stood up and said, "I wish I had a flashlight, I can’t see anything." The woman replied, "Me too, you have been eating grass for the past 20 minutes!"
73. A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.
The doctor said to her, "I know that you aren’t married. Do you know who the father is?"
The girl paused for a moment and then replied, "Doctor, if you ate a can of baked beans, would you know which bean made you fart?"
74. Everyday a male co-worker walks up very close to a woman at the coffee machine inhales a big breath of air. He then tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She complains to the Personnel Director and wants to file a complaint for sexual harassment.
The Personnel Director is miffed and asked, "What is wrong with a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replied, "Its Steve the midget."
75. During the blonde’s first time having sex she suddenly stopped and didn't move.
Her boyfriend asked, "What are you doing?"
The blonde answered, "I learned this from watching porn on the internet. It's called buffering.”
76. A couple went to bed. After a few minutes the husband gets up and goes in the bathroom. He comes back a few minutes later with a glass of water and two aspirins and hands them to his wife. Being surprised she asked, "What are these for?"
The husband replied, "They are for you." His wife asked, "Why"? I don't have a headache."
The husband looked at her and replied, "Gotcha. Now take your nightgown off!"
77. A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. While at home he was surprised to learn how much his wife really loved him.
She was thrilled to have him home with her. In fact she was so thrilled that when she saw the mailman approaching her house she ran out and yelled, "My husband is home! My husband is home!"
78. Why did the ex-porn star get fired from his job as a service station attendant? Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray petro all over the car.
79. A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that says, Cheese Sandwich: $1.75; Chicken Sandwich: $2.50; Hand Job; $8.00. After checking his wallet to see how much money he had, the bloke walked up to the bar where three very attractive blondes were serving drinks to a horny looking group of blokes. One of the blondes asks, "Yes can I help you?" The bloke replied whispering, “I was wondering if you are the one that gives the hand jobs?” The blonde smiled and answered, "Yes I am." The man replied, "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich."
80. John approached a prostitute and asked, "How much for a blow job?" The prostitute replied, "A hundred bucks." "John said okay and began to jerk off. The prostitute said, "What the hell are you doing that for?" John replied, "For a hundred bucks you don't think I m going to give you the easy one, do you?"
81. Three mums, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are talking about their daughters. The brunette tells them, "I found cigarettes in my daughter's room, I can't believe she smokes!"
The redhead said, "I found some beer in my daughter's room. I just couldn't believe it!"
The blonde says, "That's nothing. I found condoms in my daughter's room. I never knew she had a penis!"
82. A man and a woman, who are both married to other people, find themselves forced to share a hotel room for a night. They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.
After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you get me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."
The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the night?"
The man replies, "That would be amazing."
The woman smiles and says, "Okay. Get your own fucking blanket!"
83. A bloke was sending nude photos to his girlfriend, but he accidentally sent a photo of his crotch to his grandmother. She had bad sight so he didn't think much of it. Later that week she calls him and says "You're looking good, but I don't like your haircut. It makes your nose look too big."
84. The husband walks into the kitchen and finds his wife boiling eggs. She looks at him passionately, jumps up on the counter, spreads her legs, and says, "Make love to me Greg!"
Not wanting to lose the chance, he quickly pulls down his pants and they make passionate love.
When they are finished he asks her, "What was that about?"
She replies, "The egg timer is broken."
85. Bob's wife has been in a coma for several months. Her nurses have noticed that every time they wash her crotch she moves a little. They have an idea and they ask Bob if he would perform oral sex on his wife in an attempt to wake her up. Bob said yes and asks for some privacy. A few minutes later he rushes out in a panic and screams, "I think she's choking!"
86. A man came home and saw that his wife was watching a cooking show and says, "Why are you watching that crap? You can't cook."
She replies, "Well you watch porn.”
87. An Army Captain approaches a hooker and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"
She replies, "For a handsome soldier like you, it will be my pleasure.”
The Captain turned around and yelled, "Company! Forward March!”
88. A pirate walks into a bar with his ship’s wheel shoved down the front of his pants. The bartender says, “Hey matey do you know you have a ship’s wheel down your pants?”
The pirate replied, “Argh, she's driving me nuts!”
89. Three blokes are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle and shouts, "Your mum's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mum, and it was sooo good!" Again the bloke refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mum liked it!" Finally the bloke interrupts, "Go home Dad, you're drunk!"
90. A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. The doctor said, "Impossible. Show me." She takes her finger and pokes her elbow and screams in agony. She pokes her knee and screams, she pokes her ankle and screams and continues poking other places.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you? You're really a blonde." She replied, "Yes, doctor." The doctor replied, "I thought so. Your finger is broken."
91. Steve is driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Nelly about to throw herself off. Steve slams on the brakes and yells, "Nelly, bloody hell! What do you think you're doing?" Nelly turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Steve. You got me pregnant and so now I'm going to kill myself." Steve gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Crikey Nelly. Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too." He then drives off.
92. Three blokes are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first bloke says.
The second says "I like to look at a woman's arse." He asks the third bloke "What about you?"
"Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."
93. A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 18th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she screamed. So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her also.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
94. A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse enters the room and begins to check his blood pressure.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to check your blood pressure."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, and holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says. "There is nothing wrong with them."
Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are my test results back?”
95. A bloke walks into a psychiatrist's office covered only in clear food wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately. Doctor, can you tell me what's wrong?"
The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"
96. Dave worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for years. He came home one day and told his wife he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife, terribly concerned, suggested that he see a sex therapist to talk about it. Dave refused. He was too embarrassed and vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
A few weeks later, Dave came home white-faced. His wife knew something was seriously wrong. "My God Dave, what's wrong?" Dave looked at her and said, "Do you remember what I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
His wife was horrified and said, "Oh Dave, you didn't!”
"Yes, I did," replied Dave.
"My God, Dave what happened?"
He replied, "I got fired."
"No, Dave, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired too."
97. Ray goes into the public restroom and sees this bloke standing next to the urinal. The bloke has no arms. As Ray is standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor chap is going to take a leak.
Ray finishes and starts to leave when the bloke asked Ray to help him out. Being a kind soul, Ray said, "Ah, alright I'll help you." The bloke asked, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Ray said, "Okay."
Then the bloke then said, "Can you pull it out for me?" Ray answered, "Uh uh yeah, okay."
Ray pulls it out and it has all kind sores, red bumps, scabs and dripping puss, and smells awful. Then the bloke asks Ray to aim it for him, and Ray aims it at the urinal. Ray then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The bloke tells Ray, "Thanks, mate, I really appreciate it." Ray says, "No problem, but what the hell is wrong with your penis?" The bloke pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I’m not touching it."
98. A man goes to his doctor and says, “Doc I have these real bad headaches. What should I do?” The doctor replied, “Well, to get rid of my headaches I just have sex with my wife.” They both laugh. A week later the man returns. The doctor asks, “How are you feeling?” The man smiles and replies, “You were right! I feel so much better. And by the way Doc, you have a lovely home?”
99. A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 90 minutes." Again the guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Joe, follow him and see where he goes." In a little while, Joe comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Joe, where did he go when he left here?" Joe replied, "To your house."
100. A businessman and his secretary, overcome by desire, go to his house for sex during their lunch hour.
"Don't worry," he says. "My wife is out of town on a business trip."
One thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop. I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," he replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom and is very angry. "That witch! She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"
101. A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoys sex the most. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we are so obsessed with getting laid?" The woman replied, "That doesn't prove anything. Think about this. When your ear itches and you put your finger in it to scratch, and then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?
102. A blonde wanted to get a porno movie. She goes to the adult video store and picks one with a fairly dirty title. When she puts the DVD in the player and presses “PLAY”, the screen is fuzzy and nothing happens. Frustrated, she calls the store and complains. They ask her what the title is, and she replied, "Head Cleaner.”
103. A woman gets called for jury duty.
Judge: “Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?”
Juror: “I don't want to be away from my job that long.”
Judge: “Can't they do without you at work? “
Juror: “Yes, but I don't want them to know it.”
104. It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family. They congratulated him and they gave him a bottle of expensive scotch.
At the second house they gave him a box of Cuban cigars.
The residents at the third house handed him a gift card for a local restaurant.
At the fourth house he was greeted by a gorgeous woman wearing a see-through negligee. She took his hand and led him into the house and up the stairs to the bedroom. She pulled her negligee off and then slowly undressed him and led him to her bed and told him to make love to her and he did.
When they finished they went downstairs and she fixed him a huge breakfast of, eggs, hash browns, ham, sausage, blueberry pancakes, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
After he finished his breakfast she poured him a cup of coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill on the saucer. He thanked her and said it was the best breakfast he had ever had. He then asked, "What is the dollar for?"
She replied, "Last night I told my husband that today was going to be your last day and we should do something special for you. I asked him what we should give you." She paused and then said, "My husband said; fuck him. Give him a dollar." The woman smiled and said, "The breakfast was my idea."
105. A doctor opens his office and is shocked to find that it had been ransacked and all of the files were mixed up. He put them all back in order except for the files for Mary Johnson and Mary T. Johnson. The doctor couldn’t remember which file belonged to whom. The test results from the hospital only had Mary Johnson on both of them.
He decided to call the first Mary Johnson and her husband answered the phone."Mr. Johnson, this is Dr. Wilson. I have bad news. Your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer's disease. I don't know which. He then explained what happened to the files.
"Well, what should I do?" asked a worried Mr. Johnson.
Doctor Wilson replied, "Drop her off at the edge of town and if she finds her way back home,
DON'T FUCK HER!"
106. A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a nearby table noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table. The woman seemed unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm as if everything was normal. She was acting like she was unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me Miss, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn’t. He just walked in the door."
107. A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same magic tricks week after week. But, there was a problem. The Captain's parrot saw the show each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat." "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything about it because it was the Captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself with the parrot, adrift on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not say a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another. Finally, after a week the parrot said, "Okay, I give up. Where is the boat?"
108. A bloke spots a pretty looking girl in a bar goes up to her and starts a conversation. Seeing that she seemed happy to talk to him, he asked her what her name was.
"Carmen," she replied.
He responded, “That's a nice name. Who picked the name, your mother?"
She answered, "No, I named myself.”
"Oh, that's very interesting; Why Carmen?"
She looked at him right in the eyes and said, "Because I like cars, and I like men. So what's your name?"
The bloke quickly replied, "Beersex."
109. A drunk called the police to report that his car had been broken into.
"They took the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he said with a slurred voice. He managed to give them his location and his cell phone number.
The police had trouble finding him, so the dispatcher called his cell phone.
"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
110. The new husband arrived home with a big bouquet of flowers. His wife met him at the door. When she saw the flowers she pulled off her pants and laid down on the floor in front of him and spread her legs.
"This is for the flowers," she said.
"Don't be silly," he replied and then said, "I am sure we have a vase somewhere in the house."
111. It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What’s that?" he asked. She replied, "I visited the tattoo parlour today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo Merry Christmas, and on the inside of the other one they tattooed Happy New Year.” Confused, the man asked, "Why did you do that?" She answered, "Well now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"
112. A bloke walks into a pub and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another six times before the curious bartender asks him, "Every time you order a beer, you look in your shirt pocket, why?"
The bloke replied, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she starts to look good, I'll go home."
113. Two blondes find a mirror on the sidewalk.
The first blonde picks it up, looks into it and says, "Hey, I know this person! I've seen her somewhere before."
The second blonde takes the mirror, looks into it and says, "Duh! Of course you have. That's me!"
114. A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight to the counter and says, "I just hate being on welfare. I wish I could find a job."
The social worker behind the counter replied, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive her around in his Mercedes and he will buy you a new wardrobe.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You will be required to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will also have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed said, "You're bullshitting me!"
The social worker replied, "Yeah, well you started it."
115. A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex don't resist, don't complain and do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
The wife replied, "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay and said you are cute. He asked me if we had any vaseline and I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
116. A young man and his date were parked on a back road far from the town. After sex the girl said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I am actually a hooker, and I charge $100 for what we just did."
The man replied, "And I should have mentioned this before. I am actually a taxi driver and the fare back to town is $200."
117. A man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asked, “Is your date running late?”
The man replies, “No, I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.”
The woman curiously asked, “A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?”
The man replies, “It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me.”
The woman asks, “What's it telling you now?”
The man answers, “It says you are not wearing any panties.”
The woman laughs and says, “Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!”
The man replies, “Damn thing must be an hour fast.”
118. A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around and says, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
The man replies, "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
119. One day a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
120. There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the mainland was 50 miles away. The redhead tried to swim to the mainland. She swam 15 miles and drowned. The brunette swam 20 miles and drowned. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
121. As an airplane is about to crash a female passenger jumps up and frantically screams, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"
122. A punk rocker gets on the bus with green, yellow, purple and orange hair. An old guy sitting on the bus stares at him, and the punk says, "What's the matter, old man, didn't you ever do anything wild in your life?" And the old man says, "Yeah, one time I fucked a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."
123. A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's pussy. The wife panics and her husband is quite shaken, but manages to put a coat on her and put on his shorts. Then he carries her to the car and makes a mad dash to the doctor.
The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and lure it out by putting honey on his penis and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp. The man puts honey on his dick but because of his wife's screaming and the white knuckle drive to the doctor’s office, he can’t get an erection.
The doctor volunteered to do it and the couple felt relieved and thanked him. Fearing the wasp was going to do damage, the doctor quickly undressed, smeared the honey on his penis and instantly got an erection.
He then puts his penis in the woman and doesn’t stop and pull it out. Instead he starts to wildly screw the woman.
The husband shouts, "What the hell are you doing?"
Almost out of breath, the doctor replies, "Change of plan! I'm going to drown the little bastard!"
124. An elderly man went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, "No problem; How many do you want?"
The man replied, "Give me 4, but cut each one into 4 pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That might not do you any good."
The elderly man answered, "That's okay. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want my dick to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
125. A shipment of Viagra was hijacked and the police put out a broadcast to be on the lookout for two hardened criminals.
When they are apprehended they will face a stiff sentence. After they are convicted, they will be sent to a penal institution.
126. A woman was sitting in a bar wearing a sleeveless tank top. She had never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so she had a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raised her arm up to get the bartender’s attention to order another drink.
This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy armpits every time she raises her arm and are grossed out. It was getting late and after the last call a drunk at the end of the bar said to the bartender, "Hey, I want like to buy the ballerina a drink."
The bartender replied, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she is?"
The drunk answered, "Any girl that can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"
127. Ted sees John in a bar and says, “G’day John how's it going with the ladies tonight?"
John replies, "Women to me are sex objects."
Ted responds, "What do you mean by that, John?"
John answers, "Whenever I mention sex, they object."
128. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
129. Two blokes are in a pub and after a few pints one of the blokes starts crying in his beer. The other bloke asks, "What's wrong mate?"
He answers, "My sex life is shit. I've tried everything and I can't find a girlfriend. I have even tried walking up and down the beach in my Speedo bathing suit. The girls don't even notice me."
The other bloke says, "I have an idea. The next time you go to the beach bring a large potato and stick it down your Speedo."
A few days later the two blokes meet in the pub and the bloke says, "How did it go at the beach?"
The other bloke answered, "I don't want any more of your stupid advice. I did what you said and I was noticed alright! The girls said I was disgusting. They threw things at me and told me to stay away from them or they would call the cops!"
The other bloke replied, "I don't understand? I've brought a potato to the beach several times and it always worked for me. Sorry mate, the next pint is on me." He orders two pints and some crisps and a large raw potato.
After the blokes get half pissed, the bloke that gave the advice hands the potato to the other bloke and says, "Put this down your shorts and walk by those girls over there. Pretend you are at the beach and let’s see what happens."
The other bloke stands up, grabs the potato, and sticks it down his shorts and starts walking toward the girls.
The advice giving bloke screams, "Bloody hell you fucking moron! You're supposed to stick the potato down the front of your shorts!"
130. A chap is sitting in a bar with his mates bitching about going home to his wife.
His mates ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman.
He replies, "No sex. She has gonorrhea."
His mates suggest that he flip her over.
He then says, "My wife also has diarrhea.”
In unison his mates say, "What about her mouth?"
He responds, "She has terrible halitosis"
One of his mates asked, "Crikey! Why do you stay with her?"
He replies, “She also has worms, and you all know how I love to fish."
131. A lonely man was walking down the street and a hooker says, "Hey do you wanna have a good time?"
"Sure!" he replied and the hooker led him to a nearby motel.
She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, "Is this the first pussy you have seen since you crawled out of one?"
The man replies, "No, this is the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."
132. A man went into a bar and met a nice girl. They had a few drinks and then he took her to his place. They immediately took off their clothes and got in his bed. While they were screwing they rolled over and she was on top.
Suddenly she had an epileptic seizure and started shaking and moaning. Not realizing what was happening he thought, “Holy shit. I didn’t know I was that good. I’m the man! Wahoo! This is the best sex that I have ever had!”
After he came twice she was still shaking and thrashing and moaning. He got nervous and put a robe on her and put her in his car. She shook all the way to the emergency room.
A nurse asked him, as he was carrying her inside, what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm is stuck!"
133. There's a lad who lives on a farm. One day he came home from school in a really bad mood. Walking to the house, he sees a pig and kicks it. Then he sees a chicken and kicks that also.
While he was walking up to the house, his mother was watching him through the window. When he went inside she said, "I saw you kick those animals. For kicking the pig, you will have no bacon for a week. For kicking the chicken, you will have no eggs for a week."
The lad was about to say something when his father walks through the door. Also in a foul mood, the father kicks the cat.
The lad then says to his mother, "You want to tell him or should I?"
134. A bloke was in town on a business trip and was lonely and wanted a woman. A cab driver gave him an address and told him he could find anything he wanted there.
When the bloke arrived, he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice inside asked him what wanted.
The bloke said, "I wanna get screwed."
The female voice replied, "OK, but this is a private club. Slide twenty bucks in the slot for the initiation fee."
The bloke slid twenty dollars in the slot and the panel closed. After waiting for 15 minutes, nothing happened. He knocked on the door and the panel slid open.
The bloke said, "Hey, I want to get screwed!"
The female voice replied, "What? Again?"
135. A blonde finds a pack of rubbers in her husband’s pants pocket when she was doing the laundry. She was on the pill so she asked her husband, "What are these for?"
Not knowing what to say, the husband blurted out, "They make great cigarette filters."
The next day the blonde goes to the drugstore and says to the pharmacist, "I need some rubbers for my Camels."
136. Two blokes were in a pub and one says to the other, "I hate mother-in-laws!"
The other bloke says, "I like mine. What’s wrong with yours?"
The first bloke replied, "Mine hates me because I didn't buy her a birthday present this year. She hasn't even used the gift I gave her last year!"
The other bloke asked, "What did you give her last year?"
The first bloke answered, "A cemetery plot."
137. After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, while snuggling up to him.
"Is he your boyfriend?" he asks.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
“No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she replies.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
She whispers in his ear, "That's me before the surgery."
138. A woman went to a sex therapist for advice. She told the therapist that she was having trouble finding a man who could satisfy her. She was getting tired of all the short term relationships she was having.
She asked the therapist "Is there a way to tell the size of a man's penis while he is dressed?"
"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," The therapist replied.
The woman thanked the therapist and went throughout the town looking for men with big feet. She met a young man coming out of an unemployment office with the biggest feet she had ever seen.
She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her place for a night of sex.
When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone. On the table next to the bed there was $100 and a note that read, “Take this money and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."
139. A woman comes home and tells her husband, "My migraine headaches are gone. I am cured!"
"No more headaches?" the husband replied, "What happened?"
His wife said, "Rachel referred me to a hypnotist and he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. It worked! My headaches are all gone."
The husband says, "That’s terrific news!”
His wife then said, "You know, you haven’t been too enthusiastic in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can fix that?"
Reluctantly, the husband agreed to try it. After his appointment he comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "WOW! That was fantastic!”
The husband replied, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and the second time making love was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning. She yells, "Oh my goodness, you are a new man!”
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife peeks in the bathroom and sees him standing in front of the mirror saying, "She's not my wife, she’s not my wife, she’s not my wife, she’s not my wife..."
140. Randolph marries a virgin and on their wedding night he gets very aggressive. He gets naked, jumps into bed and immediately begins pawing at his wife.
She says, "Randolph, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table."
He sits up, folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?"
She replies, "That is much better!"
Randolph they said, "Okay. Now, will you please pass the pussy?"
I hope you enjoyed this book. If you like really juicy sex erotic stories and you are over 18 years old; you might enjoy reading my other books. Just copy and paste the below titles in the search box at amazon.com
You will see "Your search contains adult items which have been hidden. If you wish to see them, click here" Just click the link.
My Nude Cruise: Fun In and Out of the Sun
The Erotic Life of Matilda: Addicted to Sex
The Many Loves of Matilda
Warning: These books contain adult content and are not intended for anyone under 18 years of age.