World Famous Romance Novelist
(Not really, but maybe someday)
In my books I tell the world about my promiscuous behaviour that crossed the line to the point of violating societyís standards of decency.
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I decided to move to the Surf Coast in Victoria, which is about a 90 minute drive south of Melbourne. Why? The Surf Coast is the farthest place away from my previous life that I could find. I could have moved to Western Australia, but that's too far away and I prefer the east coast. Besides, the Surf Coast has some of the most beautiful beaches in the world. I hope the fine people in Western Australia don't get mad at me when I tell you that the surfing is better on the east coast.
Anyway, I packed up all my worldly belongings and left Brisbane and headed south. I took my time and arrived on the Surf Coast five days later. I checked into a motel on a nice beach and spent a week visiting every beach and town on the coast. Some were clothes optional. On one of the prettiest beaches I met two very nice girls. Their names are Kelli and Stacy and they were looking for another flatmate (Roommate).
Kelli and Stacy lived in a building nicknamed, "The Heartbreak Hotel." A lot of people just like me live there. They come down here after bad relationships looking for a fresh start. This gets better. Kelli and Stacy have a 3 bedroom flat with a huge balcony facing the beach. ITís A CLOTHES OPTIONAL BEACH! I thought I died and went to heaven. I'm sure you have heard the phrase, chick magnet. These two girls are bloke magnets. They are both drop dead gorgeous and the blokes (men) line up for their choosing. I'm happy with just their leftovers.
The building is always full of the most beautiful men and women that I have ever seen in one place. Every day is sex and more sex. There is sex on the beach, sex in their flats and sex in their neighbour's flat. There were people having sex everywhere. This building was a dream come true. This was where I wanted to live. This was where I needed to live. When they asked me if I wanted to move in with them, I couldn't say yes fast enough. I was so happy I almost wet my pants.
Living on the Surf Coast is like living a dream. After being pursuaded by my roomies, I decided to write about this new life I have. I knew nothing about being an author, so I sort of winged it and stumbled a little at first. Then it seemed that my writing and the descriptions of me and my roomies escapades improved and people started buying my books. I have now written seven books and I have enjoyed every minute of it.
Because my name is Matilda people are constantly asking me about our unofficial National Anthem. Waltzing Matilda is, briefly, a song about a tramp who camps by a creek and steals a sheep. Three policemen arrive; rather than submit to capture, the tramp commits suicide by drowning himself in the creek. I should mention that at the time the penalty for stealing sheep (and lots of other things) was "hanging by the neck until dead". So, committing suicide wasn't as drastic as it might seem.
Once a jolly swagman sat beside the billabong,|
Under the shade of a coulibah tree,
And he sang as he sat and waited till his billy boiled:
2. Down came a jumbuck to drink beside the billabong
3. Down came the stockman, riding on his thoroughbred,
4. Up jumped the swagman and plunged into the billabong,
You'll come a waltzing Matilda with me
Billabong - Originally an aboriginal word for a section of still water adjacent to a river, cut off by
a change in the watercourse, cf. an oxbow lake. In the Australian outback, a billabong
generally retains water longer than the watercourse itself, so it may be the only water
for miles around.
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and I was in good hands. Then she asked me, "Has your plane
arrived yet?" . . .
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. Then she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?" . . .
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old, still working fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on It saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it. Caution ...
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call centre. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call centre was open. I told him, "The number you dialled is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern Standard Time or Western Standard Time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Eastern" . . . . . .
A mate and I were eating lunch in a restaurant when we overheard a woman at the next table talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive up the coast. She was saying she drove a convertible and a blonde girl sitting across from her said, "How did you get sunburned? Wasn't the car was moving?". . .
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car that's designed to to break the window if the car goes into the water. She keeps it in the trunk....
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
I was hanging out with a mate when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My mate said, "Wouldn't the Chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
While in an Italian restaurant I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. The cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces, I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
They walk among us, and what's scary is that they reproduce - and, God help us, some of them even vote!
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